Outcast Castaways
by Robert Nowall
Summary: What if the cast of "Daria" were stuck on "Gilligan's Island"?


****

OUTCAST CASTAWAYS

by

Robert Nowall

ONE SENTENCE SUMMARY: What if the gang from "Daria" were stranded on "Gilligan's Island"?

ALTERNATE ONE-SENTENCE SUMMARY: As the castaways from Lawndale High grow more and more pissed off with each other, Daria starts to worry...

****

SCENE 1: A CLEARING.

(The setting is a clearing in some tropical jungle. There's a table. Daria, wearing her usual outfit, is sitting at the table. She's writing something in a notebook. She pauses, to think, and to stare into space, then writes again.)

DARIA (V. O.): Every day, things grow more tense on the island. It's only logical. It's impossible to keep a group of people together for months and months with hope of rescue growing fainter. Especially a group like this. I am afraid my fellow castaways grow closer and closer to...island insanity.

(Daria looks up, just as voices are raised.)

JANE (V. O.): (Tone is sarcastic angry) If you don't like it, there's the door.

TRENT (V. O.): (Tone is slightly pissed off.) Now, look, Jane, you know, I could move out of our hut and move in with Jesse, Max, and Nick.

JANE (V. O.): The sooner the better.

TRENT (V. O.): But I'm willing to give you one more chance.

(Cut to the interior of a hut. The hut (and most everything man-made that we see after this) looks like it was put together, out of bamboo and palm fronds, by people who didn't have a clue as to what they're doing...poles not straight and windows crooked. There are two hammocks hanging down to one side. Jane and Trent stand in the middle of this---on either side of a freshly-painted white line.

(Oh. And they're dressed the way they usually are---except Jane is wearing a blue captain's cap and Trent is wearing a white sailor's cap.)

JANE: All I'm saying is that you stay on your side and I'll stay on my side.

TRENT: But your side has the door. How am I supposed to get to my side without going through your side?

JANE: You get to your side from the outside. But stay off my side!

TRENT: But, Jane--- (Trent takes a step across the white line.)

JANE: (Raises an arm as if to strike Trent, but does not.) Back!

(Trent retreats. They both cross their arms and glare angrily at each other across the line.)

(Cut back to Daria, who continues to write in her notebook.)

DARIA (V. O.): Ordinarily I wouldn't mind, but Jane and Trent are affected, too. Trent is threatening to move out. But where on this island would a person go to find peace?

(Cut to the interior of another hut. It's devoid of most furniture but a few crates are piled about. Jesse, Max, and Nick sit and stare at each other. Jesse and Nick are holding homemade guitars and Max sits behind a homemade bamboo drum kit.)

MAX: You suck!

NICK: You suck!

JESSE: You both suck!

(They all get to their feet and start arguing with each other, the word "Butthead" being heard quite frequently.

(Back to Daria.)

DARIA (V. O.): Certainly not around the others. Now, Kevin and Brittany... (Looks in another direction.)

(Cut to the interior of another hut. This one is more luxuriously rigged-out, with tables, a pigeonhole desk, and one big bed. Kevin sits at a table facing us, and Brittany is behind him. He's still wearing his football uniform and she's wearing her cheerleader outfit. As we watch, she dumps some kind of drink over his head.)

KEVIN: Babe! You did that on purpose!

BRITTANY: I did not!

KEVIN: (Turns towards her) You did, you know you did.

BRITTANY: (smiling) Well, I didn't today, but I will tomorrow. Until then--- (Sits down on a chair next to Kevin, then turns away from him stiffly and coldly, arms crossed.)

KEVIN: Well, two can play that game. (Does the same).

(Cut back to Daria, still writing.)

DARIA (V. O.): ...and also some of the Fashion Club have had a falling out. Since they're the only ones on the island with any interest in fashion, I never would have thought it possible.

(Cut to another clearing. Sandi and Stacy stand besides some kind of homemade stove / oven. Next to it is what appears to be a sink, equally homemade. The sink is full of dishes. Sandi and Stacy are also dressed the way they usually dress. Stacy is holding a wooden ladle and waving it around in the air.)

STACY: I've had it, Sandi! Do you understand? I...have...had...it!

SANDI: What do you mean?

STACY: I work, I slave over this hot stove all day long, and you just stand there and let me do it. (Turns away, crosses her arms, holds her nose in the air.) The least you could do is wash the dishes *after* I cook.

SANDI: What do you mean, my share?

STACY: You heard me.

SANDI: (waves her finger in Sandi's face) I'll have you know that I do my fair share of the work. More!

STACY: (turns to face Sandi) Hah! You get the guys to do your share, when you can't get me to!

SANDI: (still sticking her finger in Stacy's face). Look, Ms Stacy Rowe---!

(Stacy holds her ladle up as if it were a sword.)

STACY: Get that finger out of my face or I swear I'll cut it off and cook it up right here and now!

SANDI: That will be the tastiest thing you've served up all year.

(Gradually they lower their weapons, then cross their arms and stare at each other with anger. Stacy is shaking.)

(Back to Daria.)

DARIA (V. O.): But who would they talk to, if they didn't talk to each other? (Pause, stares into space, resumes.) All day and all night, most of my fellow castaways stand around and go out of their way to piss each other off. This would be incredibly amusing if I weren't stuck in the middle of it. (Pause, as Daria closes the notebook and stares into space.)

QUINN (O. S.): Daria!

DARIA: (softly) Oh, God!

(Daria stands up as Quinn comes in to the clearing. Unlike the others, she's not wearing what she usually wears; she's wearing some glamorous evening gown. Right now her expression is angry.)

QUINN: Daria, you promised me you'd have the hot water running by this evening. Here it is late afternoon and I find you writing away.

DARIA: I happen to have had other things to do, *sister* dear.

QUINN: Ohh! (Pause, then speaks with some resignation.) Okay, Daria, what will it take to get you off your butt and down into your plumbing today?

DARIA: Excuse me?

QUINN: Your plumbing. The bamboo pipes you put down last month to bring hot water from the spring to the huts. The plumbing that has *never* worked right.

DARIA: Look, Quinn, I'm not in the mood right now. If you want to take a bath, go down to the lagoon and swim in the ocean. We're in the tropics. It'll be blood warm.

QUINN: You *know* I can't wash my hair in salt water, Daria. (sighs) All right. How much?

DARIA: Excuse me?

QUINN: How much will it take to fix the plumbing?

DARIA: In case you haven't noticed, *sister,* we're stranded on an island. There are many, *many* things for me to do just to keep us alive. Your money's no good. (Turns away) Besides, Kevin and Brittany have a financial lock on my services for the next ten years.

QUINN: Ohh!

DARIA: Or until we get off the island, whichever comes first.

QUINN: You're completely hopeless, do you know that? (Turns away and runs her hand through her hair, flinging it into the air.) Just because a person wants to look her *finest* from time to time, unlike certain people whom I shall not name---

DARIA: You mean people like your, ahem, *cousin*?

QUINN: ---but who continue to dress *so* unfashionably---

DARIA: (Turns to face Quinn.) Wait a minute. Why are you so eager to be so clean tonight?

QUINN: Umm, I, uh, can't a girl take an interest in cleanliness?

DARIA: (smiles her Mona Lisa smile). This is good news, Quinn. You can be the very first to try out the birth control pills I made.

QUINN: Ohh!

DARIA: (still smiling) And I'm pretty sure I can work up a home pregnancy test, too, if it doesn't work and you skip a period. Who's the lucky father?

QUINN: Ohh!

DARIA: (mock suspicion in her voice) Or...don't you know?

QUINN: Oh, forget it! Forget it! Just forget the whole thing.

(Quinn storms off. Daria stands, arms crossed, still smiling her smile.)

DARIA (V. O.): This island insanity is also highly contagious. Even *I* am affected by it... (Pause, smiles) ...but it feels good.

****

(Opening credits - theme song begins to play, a vaguely "sea-chantey" tune)

(Generic panning shot of typical marina.)

**"Just sit right back, and you'll hear a tale, a tale of a mighty trip, that started from this Eastern port..."**

(Shot of small boat. Upchuck is visible, working on top of it. We can see that the boat is named: S. S. MINNOW.)

**"...aboard this tiny ship."**

(Shot of Trent, covered with gear, wearing a white sailor's cap, and smiling at the camera.)

**"...the mate was a mighty sailing man..."**

(Shot of Jane, leaning against a ship's wheel, wearing a captain's cap, and smiling.)

**"...the skipper brave and sure..."**

(Several shots of the boat edited together, showing the boat leaving the marina and heading out to sea.)

**"...some passengers set sail that day for a three-hour tour, a three hour tour!"**

(Music stops. Shot of lightning bolt, followed by shots of the boat rising and falling in rain and rough seas. Music starts again)

**"The weather started getting rough, the tiny ship was tossed..."**

(Shot of Jane and Trent, struggling with the ship's wheel.)

**"...if not for the courage of the fearless crew, the _Minnow_ would be lost, the _Minnow_ would be lost..."**

(Shot of the ship, beached, a large rock next to a large hole in the hull.)

**"...The ship set ground on the shore of this uncharted desert isle..."**

(Superimposed on the wrecked ship: shot of Daria, a full head and shoulders shot, as usually seen at the beginning of an episode, but this time framed in a ship's wheel.)

**"...with Daria..."**

(Similar shot of Jane, wearing her captain's hat, also in the wheel.)

****

"...the skipper, too..."

(Shot of Kevin in the wheel.)

**"...the quarterback..."**

(Shot of Brittany in the wheel.)

**"...and his girl...**"

(Four shots of the Fashion Club in wheels, arranged in compass points: North (Quinn), East (Tiffany), West (Stacy), and South (Sandi).)

**"...the Fashion Club..."**

(Shots of Trent, Upchuck, Joey, Jeffy, Jamie, Jesse, Max, Nick, Tom, and Andrea, all in wheels, but in varying sizes, spread randomly across the screen.)

****

"...and the rest..."

(Shot of small island silhouette on the ocean. After a moment, superimposed over this, lettering that spells out the words: _Daria's Island._)

**"...here on Daria's Isle...you're standing on my neck..."**

****

SCENE 2A: THE CLEARING.

(Trent comes out into the clearing and runs into Daria, giving no sign of seeing her. He's carrying a small box in his arms.)

DARIA: Trent?

(Trent stops, sees her, smiles.)

TRENT: Daria! I didn't see you there.

DARIA: So you're fighting with Jane?

(Trent's smile vanishes)

TRENT: Yeah, yeah. I mean, we fought when we were kids, but, I mean, we never had to share a hut before.

DARIA: Well, Jane can be, um, prickly at times. It's a good thing, in a way---

TRENT: You don't have to tell me about Jane. (Pauses, steps closer) Daria---

DARIA: (steps back) No, Trent. We've had this talk before.

TRENT: But you know, we've had this attraction to each other, even before the shipwreck---

DARIA: I told you, Trent. We do anything about it right now, it would upset Tom. Everybody else, too. It's hard enough living on this island right now. Maybe when we get rescued it will be different, but it has to be this way, right now. (Pause) How would you like it if everybody fought the way you and Jane were fighting just now?

TRENT: I wouldn't like it at all. (Pause, steps back.) Really, it was nothing. Nothing at all. Just one thing led to another and the next thing I knew there was a white line down the middle of our hut.

DARIA: Well, try to keep in mind that Jane isn't only your sister, but your friend, too.

(Trent nods and turns away, then turns back.)

TRENT: Um, Daria, could you give this back to Kevin and Brittany? I, um, kinda had a fight with them yesterday. (Hands it to Daria) It's just that Jane and I don't want their stuff cluttering up our hut.

DARIA: All right.

TRENT: Thanks, Daria, you're the best.

(He walks away. Daria stands there for a moment.)

DARIA: If I'm the best, how come I'm talking to Kevin and Brittany?

****

SCENE 2B: KEVIN'S AND BRITTANY'S HUT.

(The scene is as before, with Kevin and Brittany back to back ignoring each other. There's a knock at the door. Neither answers it. The door opens and Daria enters, carrying the box.)

DARIA: It's me.

KEVIN: (bleak) Hey, Daria.

DARIA: Brittany?

BRITTANY: (also bleak) Hey, Daria.

DARIA: Okay, what's up with you two?

BRITTANY: (Slowly, angrily) Us two? It should be obvious that I am alone.

DARIA: Um, is Kevin alone, too?

KEVIN: Of course. I'm aloner than her. 

DARIA: Okay.

(There's a table to one side. Daria goes to this and puts the small box down.)

DARIA: (to Kevin) Kevin, when you see Brittany, tell her that Trent gave me this box to give back to the two of you. (to Brittany) Brittany, when you see Kevin, tell him that Trent gave me this box to give back to the two of you.

(Brittany and Kevin just "harrumph" without words. Daria quietly leaves and the two of them go back to ignoring each other.)

****

SCENE 2C: THE KITCHEN AREA.

(It's where Stacy and Sandi were seen arguing. Sandi isn't around, but Stacy is standing in front of the sink, scrubbing dishes as Daria walks into the shot. Stacy's really scrubbing hard, too.)

STACY: (muttering) ...try and tell me how to cook and clean...never does her fair share...lets me do all the work...

DARIA: Whoa, there, Stacy**.** What are you angry about?

STACY: Angry? I'm not angry.

DARIA: You sound pretty angry.

STACY: Oh, it's Sandi. She never does her fair share of the work. *And* she tries to boss me while I'm doing my share *and* hers.

(Daria steps up next to Stacy, and picks up a cloth on the table next to the sink. Stacy hands her dishes, which she dries with the cloth and stacks on the table. This goes on while they talk.)

DARIA: Sandi's always been that way. Why is it bothering you now?

STACY: Ooh, she just makes me *so* mad at times.

DARIA: She's always made me mad.

STACY: That's because she always calls you "Quinn's cousin or whatever."

DARIA: (extreme neutrality to her voice) Yes. She does.

STACY: She knows better.

DARIA: Yes. (Shakes her head, after which her tone is a little lighter) But why are you fighting now?

STACY: I don't know. We started talking about some, some *thing* she wanted me to do, and it just blew up from there. (Sniffs) I mean, she's my friend and all, but, sometimes, she can be, so, so...

DARIA: Well, try to get along with her. We're stuck together on this island, you know.

STACY: (sighs) I know.

DARIA: So...need any help for dinner?

STACY: (somber) No, I've got it. Thanks.

****

SCENE 3: A CLEARING. 

(Same clearing. Daria is again sitting at the table. But now she's hunched over a mid-size radio, its back open and its inner workings exposed. Daria is poking around in it with tiny tools; her glasses are up on her forehead and there's what looks like a jeweler's loupe over one eye.

(Tom comes walking up. Like everybody seen so far except Quinn, Tom is wearing his usual clothes.)

TOM: Hi, Daria.

DARIA: Tom? (pulls the loupe off her eye and pushes her glasses down to their normal position. Smiles.) What brings you to this end of the island?

TOM: Curiosity, mostly. Besides, sometimes I get bored sitting in that cave all day. (Pause) Besides *that,* I could hear the arguing all the way across the island. (Sits at the table next to Daria.) Things bad here?

DARIA: (Stops smiling) Getting worse by the day. You know, you might have the right idea, living alone in that cave and all. I think by now any group stranded as long as we have would be at each other's throats. Even if those people actually liked each other.

TOM: Well, some of us like each other. (Pause) Daria---

DARIA: (holds up her hand.) Stop, Tom. We agreed.

TOM: But it's been months now, Daria.

DARIA: You know I don't want to resume our relationship until we're rescued. (Pause) You know it upsets Jane. And Trent, too. And maybe Upchuck.

TOM: It's hard to tell what upsets Upchuck. Nothing gets to him. (Pause) But it's been a long time.

DARIA: And it looks like it'll be a while yet. (Pause) Look, Jane and Trent have painted a white line down the middle of their hut, Kevin and Brittany aren't speaking to each other, and Stacy blew up at Sandi this morning.

TOM: We've been on the island for a while. There are bound to be *some* disagreements--- (Stops himself, looks off in one direction, then turns back to Daria.) Stacy?

DARIA: Yes, even Stacy. (Shakes her head.) We've got to come up with something to make things better, before they get a whole lot worse.

TOM: What would make everybody on this island feel a little better?

(They stop a moment, look into space, and think.)

TOM: (snaps his fingers) I know. Nothing would go down better than getting off this island. Let's get aboard ship, and we'll leave.

DARIA: Your feeble and pathetic attempt at humor fails to amuse me, Tom.

TOM: I *said* we, Daria. As in you and me? (Pause) Surely between the two of us we can come up with something that could get both of us off the island.

DARIA: I've thought about it. But we'd have to take everybody.

TOM: Well, if it's just a matter of making people feel better, why don't we just pretend we're about to be rescued?

DARIA: (looks thoughtful) Mmm...no. They'd kill us if we lied to them. (Looks down at the radio.) I was hoping I could get the radio working again. Some outside news might cheer them up.

JANE (O. S.): Why would hearing news of places we can't get to cheer us up? (Jane walks into shot.) Daria. Tom.

DARIA: Jane, why are you fighting with Trent?

JANE: Oh, he just bugs me sometimes.

DARIA: And why the white line?

JANE: It seemed the best way to keep the peace. (Shrugs)

DARIA: Jane, pull up a chair and join us.

(Jane does so.)

JANE: What's the beef, amiga?

TOM: (looks away) Oooh, don't mention beef to me. I miss hamburgers so much.

DARIA: Tom. (Pause, turns to Jane.) We're in a bad situation, stuck on this island with no way off.

JANE: Look, Daria, I'm no old sea salt, but I did the best I could---I mean, you try navigating with a hurricane raging around you---

DARIA: No, no, not that. *We* know you did the best you could. (Looks at Tom) That is, *we* as in Tom and I.

JANE: (smug, arms crossed) That's better.

DARIA: I mean the situation. Being here, day after day, without hope of rescue.

TOM: Let me try. Right now, Jesse, Max, and Nick spend all day staring at each other and yelling "You suck!" Kevin and Brittany aren't speaking to each other, and Stacy and Sandi almost fought a duel with cooking utensils.

JANE: (smiles) Well, I'm for anything that keeps Kevin and Brittany from speaking. (Pause, looks somber) Stacy stood up to Sandi?

DARIA: If by "stood up" you mean screaming at the top of her lungs while waving a ladle, that's an accurate description.

JANE: So people fight. What's wrong with fighting?

DARIA: It's happening more and more often. It's the being stuck on the island that's getting to them. (Leans a little closer and whispers.) Every day, day after day, they're stuck here. *We're* stuck here. Think of it. Planes that don't see us, ships that pass without stopping, radios and cell phones that don't work. One screw up after another.

JANE: Daria, I thought we agreed it was Kevin.

DARIA: (leans back) You know, Trent isn't the only one you irritate. 

TOM: No kidding.

JANE: Hey, just because---

TOM: And Daria is so irritated by Quinn she brushes her off and insults her as well.

JANE: That's normal enough.

DARIA: And you and your brother seem to be fighting for no good reason.

(Jane's face shows a sudden flash of anger, followed by heavy concern. She leans forward on the table and puts one arm over her head.)

JANE: I know. We were talking about something, I forget what, and the next thing I knew I was painting a white line down the middle of our hut. (Pause) It's not good, Daria.

DARIA: The important thing is that when you talk to him, you remember he's not only your brother, but he's your friend as well.

TOM: Yeah. Just remember that, when he's irritating you, that you sure can be irritating, too.

JANE: (coldly) All right, what do you mean?

TOM: Remember that time when---

DARIA: (loudly) Stop that! That's what I mean. We're never going to get anywhere if we keep picking at each other like this. We've got a problem and we've got to find an answer.

TOM: We could remind everybody how lucky we are. Remember when we beached the "Minnow" on this island, when we found all these huts and supplies? All we had to do was a little repair work.

DARIA: (shakes her head) No, no, I can't see them getting cheered up by telling them how much worse it could have been.

TOM: (shrugs) Well, if we can't come up with anything else, how about a party? A good party might improve moods.

JANE: I'm tapped out for ideas. I can't see any problem with a party.

DARIA: Okay, a party, then. We're agreed. (Gets to her feet.) I'll talk to the others about throwing things together for one. Any suggestions for theme?

(Tom and Jane both shake their heads.)

DARIA: Then it's settled. You two decorate the clearing and I'll talk to Stacy about cooking up something special.

(She gets up and leaves. Tom and Jane stay sitting.)

JANE: Poor kid, taking the weight of the island on her shoulders.

TOM: Yeah.

****

SCENE 4: ANOTHER CLEARING: NIGHT.

(Another clearing. It's night, now, and several tall tiki torches light up the clearing. The moon is out, too, and provides some more light.

(This clearing has been decorated with a surreal tropical / Christmas combination, reflecting both the disturbing hand and mind of Jane Lane and a serious lack of proper supplies. There are several tables, lots of chairs (more than they need), and what appears to be a bandstand to one side. One table holds what looks like a lushly-laid-out buffet. Another table has a punch bowl.

(Mystik Spiral, Trent included, sit at the bandstand: they glare at each other and do not play the instruments they hold.

(As the camera pans across the clearing, we see all the others, dressed as we have already seen them, plus some others. Most of them wear varying degrees of annoyed. Most are not speaking.

(The Three Js stand around Quinn: they're talking to her and wearing just what they always wear. Quinn, though, is wearing a dress that seems to be made from a duffel bag, a vaguely-sexy effect.)

QUINN: (smiling) Guys, can you get me a glass of punch?

JOEY: Oh, sure, Quinn.

JEFFY: Right away, Quinn.

JAMIE: (a hint of sarcasm) Yes, Quinn.

(Joey and Jeffy go off, but Jamie, surprisingly, stays put. He already has a glass of punch in his hand, and his expression is sour.)

(The camera moves again, and focuses on two others that we haven't seen before. Upchuck and Tiffany. They're sitting down, and Upchuck is rubbing Tiffany's feet. Upchuck wears what he normally wears, but Tiffany wears some kind of sarong.)

UPCHUCK: So, darling Tiffany, what do you say to my proposal?

TIFFANY: (slowly, of course) No, Upchuck, I won't marry you.

UPCHUCK: Not even to get out of the same hut as the rest of the Fashion Club?

TIFFANY: (looks a little sad) Not even for that. It's just it's too...too... (jerks her feet out of Upchuck's hands) too...ewwwwwww!

(Upchuck gets out of his chair, kneels next to Tiffany, and takes her hands in his. Tiffany doesn't resist.)

UPCHUCK: So if marriage is out, my dear, how about straight sex?

(Tiffany pulls her hands out of Upchuck's and slaps him, then gets up ands walks away. Upchuck looks stunned for a moment, then grins, gets to his feet, and brushes himself off.)

UPCHUCK: (growls)

(Camera cuts to Daria, Jane, and Tom, standing near the buffet.)

JANE: You know, I don't think this is working.

DARIA: We'll move through the crowd, try to get some people talking to each other. Jane, talk to the band, all right?

JANE: The band? Daria, my brother is one of the people *I'm* mad at.

DARIA: (sounding pretty irritated herself) There are four guys in the band, talk to one you're not mad at.

(Jane raises an eyebrow, then moves into the crowd. Daria moves to speak to Tom, but Tom holds up his hands, palm out, in front of him.)

TOM: All right, all right, I'll find somebody to talk to. Lord knows there are enough people mad at each other on this island already. I might as well join them.

(He moves off. Daria starts to move off, but is caught by an approaching Upchuck.)

UPCHUCK: Daria, my sweet!

DARIA: No, Upchuck. To whatever you have in mind, no.

UPCHUCK: Why, I'm *wounded* by your accusations. (Pause) But your sharp dismissal of me masks, I suspect, some deeper feelings.

DARIA: The only deep thing here is the pit you're shoveling it out of.

UPCHUCK: (grins) Sweet, smart, *lovely* Daria. You *know* we've been on this island for a *long* while, now. There are girls and boys---a perfect arrangement! Now, I've talked to all the girls, and I---

DARIA: *All* the girls? What about Andrea?

(They both look across the party. Andrea is on the other side of the clearing, dressed in her "warehouse store" uniform. She's not looking in their direction. Her arms are folded and she looks sardonically at the party.)

UPCHUCK: She still won't tell me the time of day. (Pause) Look, as your intellectual equal, it's only natural that we pair off.

DARIA: You? My intellectual equal? (Turns away, shrugs) You come up with strange ideas, Upchuck.

UPCHUCK: Deny it all you like, sweet Daria, but just remember that someday I'll be the prize pick in any relationship---

DARIA: Did you say "pick?"

UPCHUCK: Look, we're all men and women---

DARIA: I'll take Vegas odds on that.

UPCHUCK: ---it's only a matter of time before we all form pairs.

DARIA: And your problem is that no one wants to pair with you.

UPCHUCK: (more subdued) Yes. (Back to normal.) Yes, Daria, and don't you see that you and I would make the perfect pair---

DARIA: Upchuck, quit talking to me about making a pair with me, or I'll be forced to remove a certain part of your anatomy that comes in a pair. (Daria moves off.)

UPCHUCK: (grinning) Grrrr! Feisty!

(Tom comes up behind Kevin and Brittany. They sit at a table, and ignore each other with harsh body language, just like they were last seen doing. Brittany is wearing a gown and has her hair similar to the way she appeared in "Just Add Water," but Kevin is still dressed in his uniform, down to his cleats and his neck thingy.)

TOM: So how are our happy couple tonight?

BRITTANY: I told Kevin to dress for dinner, I really did. He *has* a tuxedo.

KEVIN: But it's not as cool as my uniform!

BRITTANY: See Andrea, Kevin? She only wears her warehouse outfit to *formal* occasions.

(The three of them look at Andrea. She looks back at them, a sour expression on her face.)

KEVIN: But, babe, most everybody's not wearing their fancy stuff. (Looks at Tom, then turns around and holds out a hand, pleading.) I mean, babe, look, Tom, here's not wearing anything weird, is he?

TOM: (looks down, tugs at his shirt, speaks stiffly) These are the only clothes I have.

KEVIN: You see, Britt, wearing clothes doesn't matter. We could have come wearing nothing at all!

BRITTANY: Ooh! (goes back to ignoring him.)

KEVIN: (to Tom) Look, man, I'm sorry. I would have dressed up fancy if I thought it.

BRITTANY: I *told* you to wear your tuxedo, you, you...pinhead!

KEVIN: (stupid look on his face) Hey, are you calling me stupid?

(Brittany returns to ignoring him once again.)

KEVIN: (to Brittany) I suppose you think it's all my fault.

TOM: Yes, if you hadn't won the lottery and bought "the Minnow," we wouldn't be here right now.

(Cut to Daria, who comes to where Stacy and Sandi stand, near the buffet table. They stand side by side, angry expressions on their faces, but in no way acknowledging each other's presence.)

DARIA: Um, Stacy, Sandi, um, how's it going?

STACY: Oh, just fine.

SANDI: Everything's just fine.

STACY: Daria, would you tell Sandi that from now on I expect her to do *her* fair share?

SANDI: Um, Quinn's cousin, or whatever--- (Daria frowns at this, but otherwise ignores it.) ---will you tell Stacy that I already do *my* share and will *not* do any of *hers*"?

STACY: Daria, will you tell Sandi that there's lots of pots to scrub after the party's over?

SANDI: And will you tell Stacy not to choose the *messiest* dishes to cook?

STACY: And will you tell Sandi that I won't be her doormat---

SANDI: Doormat! (Turns towards Stacy and both start to argue directly with each other.)

DARIA: (holds up hand) Enough! (Long pause) Can't the two of you talk about something besides this? Something that won't make you mad?

(The two of them look away from each other, annoyed expressions still on their faces, and don't speak.)

DARIA: Okay. That didn't work. Why don't you talk about---

QUINN (O. S.): Daria!

DARIA: Quinn.

(Quinn comes into the shot. She's trailed by the Three Js, and then by Tiffany. Jamie still looks pretty pissed at Quinn, but is still with the group. Stacy smiles at all of them, but Sandi still looks angry.)

QUINN: Daria, I don't know why you decided to throw this party---

DARIA: Just another sick and sad attempt to crash the popular crowd.

QUINN: Oh, don't be foolish, Daria. You *know* you'll never be popular. (Pause) Anyway, whatever you're *really* planning here, it's no good without any music.

(They look over at the platform where the band sits. Jane stands next to them. Just then we hear Jane, Trent, and the band raise their voices and start arguing.)

DARIA: Oh, God! (She runs towards the band.) What's going on here?

JANE: Daria, will you tell my brother that---

DARIA: (with surprising force) No! I'm not getting into that again. Now, Jane, Trent, guys, you know how much you all care for each other. And here you are, fighting with each other.

NICK: But, Daria, we just---

DARIA: I don't want to hear it. Jane, Trent, I'm surprised at you.

(Jane and Trent look down in embarrassment. The other band members grin, but then Max frowns.)

MAX: Hey, how come you're not surprised at us?

DARIA: (putting a hand to her head) Just...play...something.

(Max starts pounding on the drums, and then the others join in on the opening chords. For a band obviously without electricity, they're surprisingly loud. There's about four bars of intro before Trent takes the lead vocal.)

TRENT (singing): "I hate your lips, I hate your eyes / I hate your potatoes and I hate your fries / I hate your feet, I hate your head / I wish that everyone was dead..."

TRENT / JESSE / NICK (singing): "I hate you! / I hate you! / I hate you! / I hate you!"

TRENT (spoken): Second verse. (singing) "I hate your back, I hate your front..."

DARIA: (very loudly) Enough, enough, enough! (The band stops. The quiet is overwhelming for a moment, before Daria speaks again.) Look, I've had enough of this. All we do on this stinking island is fight, fight, fight! I'm sick of it, do you hear me? I'm sick of trying to keep you guys from fighting each other! If you want to fight, go ahead, fight! Find a twig and beat your brains out, for all I care. I'll have nothing more to do with it. Do you hear me? (slaps side of hand in palm to emphasize each word) I'll... have... nothing... more... to... do... with... it!

(Daria runs off, out of the clearing. The others, stunned by Daria's outburst, look down in shame and embarrassment, but don't move. After a few moments, Tom follows Daria.)

****

SCENE 5: ANOTHER CLEARING.

(This clearing is a little more wild and natural than some of the ones we've seen so far. There's a big flat rock in the middle of the clearing, and Daria is lying on it, her head lolling over the side, her arms straight out (you know, the "something eating at her soul" pose) Her eyes are closed.

(After a moment, Tom enters the clearing. Without speaking, he sits on the rock, next to Daria's feet. He waits before speaking. Daria does not acknowledge his presence, but her eyes open.)

TOM: ...Daria?

(Daria sighs but does not speak.)

TOM: You did the best you could.

(No answer.)

TOM: I mean, I think we were all bound to fight. I mean, the longer we're here, the more tense it's going to get.

(Daria sighs, and raises her head and chest by leaning on her elbows.)

DARIA: Look, there's enough crap lying around on this island to build a good, solid boat. We can put it together and sail away when it's done.

TOM: Now, we agreed, when we got here. Your attempts to find the latitude and longitude of this island produced inconsistent results. And since we don't know where we are, it would be just too dangerous to leave by boat.

DARIA: Then I'll go by myself. (Glares at Tom) I just don't want to be here when one of us kills another one. (Pause, stops glaring, looks away.) Did you know, that after the mutineers of the Bounty landed on Pitcairn Island, they killed each other in just a couple of years? And *they* actually wanted to be on their island

TOM: Yes, I know. All but one of the mutineers were dead when they were finally found. (Pause) So, Mr. Christian, what are your plans now?

DARIA: (sighs) I don't know. I just don't know. Months of spotting ships and airplanes without being to signal them. A busted radio, no news. Hope of rescue growing dimmer with every day.

TOM: Look at the bright side, Daria.

DARIA: (looks away from him) I can't. I tried and I can't.

TOM: Well, I'll look at it for both of us. (Takes her hand.) This island is a paradise. There's all the food and water we would ever want. There were these huts, these supplies, all here, all empty. There's seventeen---eighteen if you count Andrea---eighteen of us, who are all friends despite some recent unhappiness. (Leans a little closer) There's you and me.

(Daria opens her mouth. It's as if they were about to kiss. But just then---)

JANE (O. S.): Daria!

DARIA: Eep!

(The mood is broken. Daria leans back, and gets up. Tom backs off, too, but remains sitting. Jane enters the clearing.)

JANE: Daria! We were all worried about you.

DARIA: (sighs) I'm sorry, Jane, for blowing up at all of you.

JANE: (shrugs) That's all right. We deserved it. (Pause) Look, we all feel bad about acting like jerks. They sent me to get you. Won't you please come back to the party, and we can try to carry on again?

DARIA: I don't know.

JANE: Everybody is real sorry for the way they acted.

DARIA: Even the band?

JANE: Well, Trent said if you came back they'd play something you'd like to hear. (Pause) C'mon. Give it a try.

TOM: I'm sure it wouldn't be any worse than it was.

JANE: See?

(Daria looks away from them, thinking, then speaks without enthusiasm.)

DARIA: They all promised to behave?

JANE: They gave their solemn word, such as it is.

DARIA: Mmm. Okay. I'll give it a try. (Pause) But if they're still fighting, I'm gone. I'll live in the caves.

TOM: (smiling) You can have the one next to me.

JANE: (smiling, ignoring Tom) All right then, let's go.

(Daria starts walking. Tom gets up and follows her. Jane grins at the clearing, then follows both of them.

(Camera focuses in on the moon. A dark cloud passes over it.)

****

(commercial break)

SCENE 6: THE PARTY CLEARING AGAIN.

(Daria, Tom, and Jane approach. As they do, they can hear that any promises made had been made in vain. Voices are raised, loudly.)

JANE: That doesn't sound good.

(The three of them crouch in the bushes next to the clearing and watch. The groups in the clearing have broken up and recombined, and continued arguing in new groupings. The camera's eye view cuts between several of the new groupings.)

(Cut to: Sandi and Brittany)

SANDI: You're just jealous 'cause you can't hang on to what you've got.

BRITTANY: (coldly) And just what do you mean by that?

SANDI: Just what I said. I could have any man on this island I wanted. *Any* man! Even--- (points finger at Brittany) ---yours.

(Brittany slaps Sandi. Sandi throws a punch at Brittany, and they start fighting.)

(Cut to Max, Joey, Stacy, and Tiffany.)

MAX: Tiffany's not your girl, man, she's mine!

JOEY: Look, you balding stick-man, Tiffany's mine!

MAX: Mine!

JOEY: Mine!

(They attempt to mix it up, but a frightened Stacy gets in between them. Tiffany watches with a bemused expression.)

STACY: Guys, *guys*! Stop!

(Cut to: Upchuck, Kevin, and Trent.)

UPCHUCK: (pointing his finger in Kevin's face) It's your fault we're still here!

KEVIN: Hey, man, don't blame me! I wanna get off this island as much as anybody!

UPCHUCK: Then *why,* when Daria *finally* got a cell phone battery charged up, did you try it out in your electric razor!

KEVIN: It didn't work!

TRENT: No, you just wrecked it so we couldn't charge it up again.

UPCHUCK: And when that Coast Guard plane passed over, who rearranged our giant "help" sign to spell out Brittany's name?

KEVIN: It was her birthday!

TRENT: You couldn't even spell it right. Brittany doesn't spell it like Britney Spears.

UPCHUCK: Why don't you just admit it? We wouldn't even *be* here if it wasn't for you. You bought the boat, you insisted on going out in the storm. You got us shipwrecked.

KEVIN: Hey, nobody asked you to come along with us, you crashed the party. Besides, I didn't steer us into a storm, man. That was Trent and Jane.

(Watching from the woods, Jane moves to rise. Daria restrains her with a hand motion.)

TRENT: Hey, we did the best we could.

KEVIN: But you didn't know nothing about running a boat!

TRENT: Then why did you hire me and my sister?

UPCHUCK: Yes, you and your, ahem, *sister.*

TRENT: (turning to Upchuck, speaking coldly) And what do you mean?

UPCHUCK: (looks at Trent, then at Kevin, then back at Trent.) I mean, you two are the only two we guys all know who are getting any. (to Kevin) You with your *cheerleader* and (to Trent) you with your (coughs) *sister.*

(Trent scowls at Upchuck, and prepares to throw a fist. From Upchuck's expression, we realize that he thinks he said something he shouldn't have. Kevin, actually realizing things have gone too far, gets between them before it goes any farther.

(Back in the bushes, this time Jane is held back by both Tom's and Daria's hands on her shoulders.)

DARIA: (whispers) Don't do it, you'll regret it later!

JANE: (whispers) Not half as much as I'll regret not doing it! Let me go!

(Cut to: Quinn, Jamie and Jeffy)

JAMIE: Look, let the others be your personal slaves, but I'm through. Hear me? I've had it. I'm through!

QUINN: But I never asked you to follow me around!

JAMIE: If it wasn't for you, horning in on Kevin and Brittany's party, none of us would be here now!

JEFFY: Don't you talk to her like that!

JAMIE: Shut-up!

JEFFY: Make me!

(The two of them go at each other. Quinn, for once frightened rather than pleased to see men fighting over her, puts her hands to her head.)

QUINN: Stop, stop, stop!

(Cut to: Nick and Jesse. The two of them smash their guitars over their heads---they smash easily---and then start punching each other.)

(Cut back to the bushes.)

DARIA: I am not fixing those guitars again. (Pause) C'mon.

(They quietly slink off. Jane lingers a moment longer, looking at things, tears almost in her eyes. Daria turns and taps her on the shoulder, and then they leave.)

TOM: I'll be up in the caves, waiting for you. (Looks at Jane) *Both* of you. (He leaves.)

JANE: Well, what now?

****

SCENE 7: JANE'S AND TRENT'S HUT.

(Exterior shot, then interior. Jane is stuffing clothes, art supplies, and junk into a duffel bag. Daria stands at the door behind her, leaning against the door, a vaguely bemused expression on her face. In her hands is a newspaper, the "Arts" section of the "Lawndale Sun-Herald.")

JANE: Gonna miss this place.

DARIA: It won't be so bad living in the caves full time. (Pause) *And* we can barricade the entrance if any of the others try to come at us.

JANE: Yeah. (Pause, continues stuffing possessions into her bag.) I know if I stay here, sooner or later (starts to get worked up) I'll...I'll... kill Trent, but...

DARIA: ...but you don't want to be around for it.

JANE: Right. (Looks at Daria) What about you? Aren't you taking anything?

DARIA: Jane, when I arrived on this island I had the clothes on my back.

JANE: (not looking at Daria) I told you to pack a bag, but did you listen?

DARIA: The clothes on my back, I said. I've got them, and this newspaper.

JANE: Haven't you memorized it yet?

DARIA: I've memorized it and every book on the island. (Folds paper, slips it into her jacket.) I'm taking it anyway.

JANE: Is it comforting to know that the answer to Four Down is "Verrazano"?

DARIA: Slim comfort at best.

JANE: (turns back to her packing) I suppose we all need a security blanket.

DARIA: No, that's the comics page. (Pause) I'm taking it. I bought it before we left, so it's mine. *And* I've got my diary. (Taps her jacket: and makes a thump you'd hear by thumping a spiral notebook can be heard.) Everything else in my hut is something for them, the supplies, the endless experiments, everything. They can have it.

JANE: (nods) Right.

(Lengthy pause, while Jane continues stuffing her bag. Jane abruptly stops.)

JANE: It's no good.

DARIA: What?

JANE: Look, Daria, I can't walk away from this. I mean, I *was* the captain of the "Minnow."

DARIA: An accident of stupidity. Not yours, but Kevin's. We've never really paid attention to it.

JANE: Your point being?

DARIA: So why should you start now?

JANE: I know, I know, but I still feel responsible.

DARIA: (sighs) Jane, there's nothing you can do for these people now. Just walk away and don't look in their eyes.

JANE: Daria, you---

(Just then Stacy comes running in. She's in tears, but coherent.)

STACY: Guys, I can't stand it any more. (Looks around, then speaks more calmly.) What are you packing for?

(Jane glances at Daria. Daria shrugs.)

JANE: We're pulling out. Daria and I are going to the caves.

STACY: (Looks at both of them) You're leaving us?

DARIA: (sighs) I can't stand the constant fighting any more.

STACY: But you can't! I mean, without you, we'd all be lost.

DARIA: I don't care any more. I've had it and I'm getting out.

JANE: Before things get even uglier.

STACY: How can that happen?

(Daria and Jane look at each other, silently debating whether to fill in specific and graphic details for Stacy's benefit. Finally, Daria shakes her head.)

DARIA: It doesn't matter. We *are* going.

STACY: Then I'll go with you! I mean, I just...I mean... (struggles with calm, then burst out) I can't *stand* it any more! Sandi's always, *always* picking on me!

DARIA: The "doormat" thing?

STACY: Day, night, in, out, she picks on me! She shoves her work off on my and yells at me when I do it! I can't stand being near her any more!

(Stacy starts sobbing and falls against Jane. Jane appeals silently to Daria, and gets a "Don't look at me!" look back for her troubles. Jane shrugs and begins comforting Stacy.)

JANE: (uneasy) There...there. Everything's going to be...all right?

STACY: (steps back, sniffs, gets a handkerchief out of some pocket, wipes her eyes.) I'm sorry, guys. I didn't mean---

JANE: That's all right. (Suddenly smiles, as if with a good idea.) Hey! Why don't you come to the caves with us?

STACY: What?

JANE: If you're so sick of Sandi and the work and all, why don't you just come with us and live away from it all?

(Stacy is smiling. Behind Stacy's back, Daria is making frantic "No!" gestures with her head and hands and mouth.)

STACY: You know, it *would* be a relief to leave all this...all them...behind...

JANE: And we'd love to have you. Right, Daria?

(They turn and face an extremely uneasy Daria.)

DARIA: Um...yeah...we'd... (forcing it) *love* to have you.

STACY: (Smiles and turns towards Jane) I'll do it!

(Daria throws up her hands in a gesture of defeat.)

STACY: Just give me a minute to get a few things, and I'll be there. (Hugs Jane, to Jane's surprise.) Thanks. (Hugs Daria, to Daria's mortification.) Thanks, Daria. (Runs out of the hut, turns at the door, waves, and is gone.)

DARIA: (really biting) *Thanks,* Jane.

JANE: Hey, what could I do?

DARIA: Don't ask me. (Pause.) You, me, Tom...and Stacy.

JANE: Hey, three girls, one guy. That ought to make *Tom* happy.

(Daria glares at Jane).

JANE: Hey, don't look at me that way.

DARIA: Hmm. What about you? How do you feel?

JANE: Fine. Just fine. (Removes her captain's hat, brushes the top off, then tosses it over on to the top hammock. Grabs duffelbag.) I'm ready. Let's go.

****

SCENE 8: THE CLEARING IN FRONT OF THE HUTS.

(This isn't particularly well-lit, but, thanks to the magic of television, we can see what's going on. There's a table in the clearing. It's dark now, and the wind has picked up considerably. Jane and Daria stand around and wait.)

DARIA: Where is she?

JANE: More attached to her possessions?

(Stacy appears, carrying a hard suitcase and two shoulder bags.)

STACY: Well, that's all I need. Some clothes, some makeup...

DARIA: No food? No Stacy's Famous Guava and Mango Jelly Preserves?

JANE: We'll rough it.

(Daria nods, and the three of them start to set off. Just then Jamie comes into the clearing.)

JAMIE: What? Where are you going?

DARIA: To the ends of the earth. (Pause) We're going up to the caves to live alone.

JAMIE: Together?

DARIA: Well, it started out that way. (Pause) Do you want to join us? (Pause, looks at Jane.) I thought I'd cut to the quick of it.

JAMIE: (grins) Sure do! I can't stand fighting with Joey and Jeffy any more, and Quinn can't *even* get my name right! Just let me get a bag, and I'll be there!

(Jamie runs off.)

JANE: Another one?

DARIA: Well, he's as sick of them as we are.

JANE: And aren't we sick of him?

DARIA: (shrugs) I don't know him well enough to be sick of him.

(From the bushes at the other side of the clearing, Upchuck watches. He grins.)

UPCHUCK: So the feistiest of the feisty ladies are pulling out of our community! Mmm-hmm! This could be my big chance, to get to know them better, away from the competition! Mmm, I *must* give some thought to it!

JANE: (scowling) Upchuck, we can here you.

UPCHUCK: Oh.

(Upchuck emerges from his hiding place and comes over. Daria eyes him while keeping a neutral expression---for her. Jane is tense, but does nothing.)

UPCHUCK: What can I say, lovely ladies? I overheard your, ah, little conversation, and---

DARIA: Upchuck, can't you be serious for even a moment?

UPCHUCK: Take me with you.

STACY: What?

UPCHUCK: Take me with you. (Falls to his knees, clasps his hands together, and looks up at them.) *Please* take me with you.

(Daria glances at Jane. Jane shrugs.)

JANE: You, me, Stacy, Jamie, and now Upchuck. I wonder who'll be next?

(Before Daria can reply, Quinn comes through the bushes. She's a little wild-eyed.)

QUINN: Daria!

DARIA: Oh, no.

QUINN: Um, I don't mean to interrupt Upchuck's proposal. (Upchuck and Daria glare at her, but she ignores it. Jane smiles, and Quinn ignores that.) But rumor is that you're moving up to the caves to get away from it all. I'm coming with you.

DARIA: Quinn, you're part of the *it all* I'm trying to get away from.

QUINN: I don't want to hear it. I'm coming with you, or---or---

JANE: Maybe you should tell your mother.

QUINN: Right. (Raises voice) Muh-oh--- (Cuts herself off, glares at Jane.) *Very* funny.

(Jane smiles.)

DARIA: If you can't remember who is and isn't on the island, I'm certainly not going to help you.

QUINN: Hah, hah, very funny. It doesn't matter what you want, I'm coming with you. (Suddenly looks a little frightened and vulnerable.) Joey and Jeffy are fighting each other.

DARIA: What's so odd about that?

QUINN: Um, this time, it's serious?

JANE: We know. We---

(Just then a gust of wind blows the table over, startling everyone.)

JANE: Whoah.

DARIA: (looks up at the sky) Uh-oh. (Pauses, while still looking, then looks at the others. Worried expressions, all around.) This is not good. This looks like a big blow.

UPCHUCK: You mean like the storm that shipwrecked us here?

DARIA: Um...yeah. (To Jane) I think we've got other things to worry about than moving to the caves right now.

JANE: Shouldn't we have gotten a little warning, I mean, all those bottles and stuff and weather instruments you've got around out there?

DARIA: Um...I was busy today.

(Jamie comes running up. He's followed by Joey, Jeffy, Andrea, and Tiffany.)

JAMIE: Hey, guys, guys, the roof of the supply hut just blew off!

DARIA: It's a big storm.

TIFFANY: You mean, like---

DARIA: (impatient) Yes, like the one that stranded us here. (Looks at the others.) Um, guys, I think we had better get up to the caves, anyway. You guys grab what you need and go there, and I'll see if I can round up the others.

(Daria turns away and starts off. The group breaks apart.)

DARIA: (muttering under her breath) ...if they haven't killed each other yet.

****

SCENE 9: THE PARTY CLEARING.

(As Daria runs into it, the wind is stronger, the torches have either fallen or blown out, and one of the tables, food and all, has blown over.

(Trent, followed by Mystik Spiral, run into the clearing. Jesse and Nick carry what's left of their broken instruments. Everybody shouts, to be heard over the wind.)

TRENT: Daria! (Starts to embrace her, but Daria pushes him back.)

DARIA: There's a big storm coming, and we've all got to take shelter in the caves!

MAX: Sounds good, man!

DARIA: Have you seen the others?

NICK: Brittany was back there! (Points in one direction.)

TRENT: Sandi was back there! (Points in another direction) Where's Janey?

DARIA: On her way to the caves! The others already are! You guys get there, too!

(Trent lingers behind while the others head off.)

TRENT: Are you all right?

DARIA: Fine, fine, go! I'll find the others, just go!

(Trent goes. Shortly after that, Daria goes, too.)

****

SCENE 10A: THE JUNGLE.

(Kevin walks through the jungle, looking upset. The wind is really starting to whip now.)

KEVIN: (cupping hands to mouth, shouts) Brittany! Brittany!

BRITTANY (O. S.): Kevvy!

(Brittany runs to Kevin, and they embrace. Brittany is terrified, but Kevin smiles.)

BRITTANY: Oh, babe...I'm *so* scared!

KEVIN: All right!

BRITTANY: The supply hut just blew away!

KEVIN: (still grinning like the idiot he is) Mmm...good!

BRITTANY: I'm sorry I was mad at you, Kevvy!

KEVIN: Like, me, too, Britt!

(They kiss, just as Daria runs into them. They don't notice.)

DARIA: (shouting) Uh, Kevin...Brittany?

(They ignore her for a few seconds more, until a bolt of lightning and clap of thunder strikes nearby. We see a palm tree split, straight down the middle. All three of them jump and look.)

DARIA: Guys! We've got to get to the caves! C'mon!

KEVIN: Yeah, the caves...hunh?

(Brittany grasps the concept, and breaks out of Kevin's grip. She slaps him on the shoulder.)

BRITTANY: C'mon, Kevvy! (She grabs his uniform jersey and drags him a little; after a few feet he starts to run after her. Daria runs in another direction.)

****

SCENE 10B: ANOTHER PART OF THE JUNGLE.

(We see Jane, Quinn, the three Js, Trent, Tiffany, Upchuck, Andrea, the rest of Mystik Spiral, and Stacy, along a trail that slopes up. They're hurrying along. Some carry a few things, others are empty-handed. It's started to rain and the wind blows ever more intense; we can hear thunder every so often.

(Stacy, lagging behind, brings up the rear. She's still carrying her gear from before; it's weighing her down.)

SANDI (O. S.): Help!

(Stacy hears it; she stops and turns.)

SANDI (O. S.): Oh, help!

(Stacy looks around; the others are already out of sight up the trail and gone. She grimaces and turns around, still carrying her luggage.)

****

SCENE 10B: (CONTINUED)

(Sandi is trapped by the leg under a fallen log, and is struggling to get it off her.)

SANDI: (almost sobbing) Please, somebody, help!

STACY (O. S.): I'm coming!

(Stacy makes it to Sandi's side, and drops her luggage. She bends and tries to lift it. Sandi lifts with her, and together they manage to slide the log off. It's a fairly intense struggle. Stacy helps Sandi to her feet, on her right.)

SANDI: Ow!

(Sandy bends down and grabs her leg, pulling Stacy down with her; they both fall.)

SANDI: My leg! I think it's broken!

STACY: Let me help! Lean on me!

(Stacy slips to Sandi's left side. Sandi puts her arm on Stacy's shoulder; Stacy puts hers across Sandi's back and her hand under Sandi's arm. They start to walk, Sandi using one leg, one hop at a time. It's slow going.)

SANDI: I can't---

STACY: C'mon, try it!

(They hobble along for a few more steps. Daria comes into the clearing. Without comment she moves to Sandi's right side and gets Sandi's arm across her shoulders. The three of them move along more quickly now.)

STACY: Sandi was under a tree, and she---!

DARIA: Tell me later! We've got to get out of here now!

(They move a few more steps, stepping close to Stacy's fallen luggage. Stacy stops, nearly jerking them off their feet.)

STACY: My suitcase! I've got food in there! We'll need it!

(Daria is closer to the suitcase; she bends carefully and picks it up. The three of them move off, a little more slowly.)

****

SCENE 11: THE CAVE (INTERIOR).

(Opens with stock shots of lightning (dubbed thunder on the soundtrack), and storm-blown and storm-drenched jungle.

(Cut to: the cave interior, where we see right away that everyone has made it and is safe. The cave is illuminated by several home-made oil lamps. There are scattered crates of varying sizes around here and there; some of the castaways are sitting on them. We can still hear the wind blowing, muted somewhat. The castaways have broken up into various groups. The camera pans across each of these groups.

(The Three Js and Quinn sit on the floor. They appear to be playing Spin the Bottle; they're laughing and smiling. The bottle spins and points to Quinn.

(Upchuck, Tiffany, and Andrea sit on smaller crates and are using a larger one as a table. They are playing three-handed bridge. They, at least, are smiling, even Andrea.

(Mystik Spiral (minus Trent) are fiddling with their broken instruments (Max has Trent's guitar), not playing, but trying to repair them. They look a little downcast, but at least they appear friendly.

(Trent is on a pallet next to them, asleep. He's flat-out and face-down as he's usually seen, but at least this time all his clothes are on.

(Kevin and Brittany are billing and cooing next to them.)

BRITTANY: (sickening sweet) Oh, Kevvy! Let's never fight again!

KEVIN: Awright!

(Stacy is kneeling in front of Sandi, bandaging Sandi's leg.)

STACY: It's only a sprain, not a break.

SANDI: Um, thanks for saving my life.

STACY: Oh, that's all right. (Pause) I'm sorry I overreacted the way I did. I mean, about our chores.

SANDI: I know. I'll try to do more.

STACY: I know.

(At the front of the cave, Jane has set up an easel and a canvas, both obviously home-made. She's started in on a painting, of the entire group as seen from her point of view. She's smiling.

(Next to her easel, and within her range of hearing, Daria and Tom sit together. They're crouched behind a rock, leaning against it, backs turned on their fellow castaways. Tom's expression is depressed and gloomy.)

DARIA: Something wrong?

TOM: When I suggested you leave the others behind and come up here to live, I didn't think you'd bring the others with you.

DARIA: Well, things have a way of working out. At least that's what my mother used to say.

TOM: Yes, and I'll be forever grateful that she's not on this island with us.

DARIA: As are we all. (Pause. Daria smiles her "Mona Lisa" smile.) See how well everybody's getting along now?

JANE: A common danger. Unites them in a way we never could.

TOM: But how long, I wonder, will it be until it wears off and they're at each other's throats again?

(All three think about it for a few seconds.)

DARIA: After the storm dies down, two, three days.

JANE: Yeah. (Pause) I think we overreacted. I don't think we'll actually *go* that far.

DARIA: Mmm.

JANE: First thing I'm gonna do when I get back to my hut, I'm gonna erase that white line.

TOM: That's assuming your hut is still there when you get back.

JANE: (smiling) None of your mind games with me, prep-school toy boy. I'll deal with what comes when it comes.

UPCHUCK: (shouting) Hey, Daria! We need a fourth for bridge!

DARIA: (rising to her feet) All right, deal me in.

****

SCENE 12: THE CLEARING.

(Stock shots of the storm, followed by stock shots of a beautiful sunrise.

(Cut to the clearing, the same one as opened this story. Things are a little messed up, with branches strewn about everywhere. Daria is again seated at the table, writing in a notebook.)

DARIA (V. O.): And if the storm taught us anything, it's that we have to get along with each other, no matter what.

(Mystik Spiral minus Trent comes into the clearing. Daria stops writing and watches them. They ignore Daria, but argue with each other.)

MAX: You suck!

NICK: No, you suck!

JESSE: You both suck!

(They leave. Daria writes in her notebook again.)

DARIA (V. O.): Or, at least, I've learned not to worry about it.

(Daria closes her notebook, and slips it in her jacket pocket. She leans back. From the other side of the jacket, she pulls out papers, which she unfolds. It's the "Lawndale Sun-Herald" Arts section she was seen reading in Scene 7. Daria is smiling her little smile again.)

DARIA: Ah!

****

(closing credits --- same theme music)

(Shot of the entire group, gathered on a beach. Trent approaches, carrying firewood in his arms.)

**"Well, this is the tale of our castaways, they're here for a long long time.**

"They'll have to make the best of things, it's an uphill climb.

"Now, Daria, and Stacy, too, will do their very best

"To make the others comfortable in their tropic island nest.

"No cell phones, lights, or motor cars! Not a single luxury!

"Like Robinson Caruso, as primitive as can be.

"So join us here each week my friends, you're sure to get a smile,

"From eighteen stranded castaways, here on Daria's Isle!"

(Cut to the footage of an island silhouette from the opening credits. Superimposed: DARIA'S ISLAND.)

**"---you're standing on my neck."**

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DISCLAIMER: "Daria" and the characters and settings from it are the property of MTV Networks / Viacom International.

"Gilligan's Island" was created and produced by Sherwood Schwartz, and was originally a Gladasya - United Artists Television Production, in association with the CBS Television Network. It is currently distributed in the US by Warner Bros. Domestic Pay-TV Cable & Network Features, a Time Warner Entertainment Company.

This parody of "Daria" and "Gilligan's Island" is copyright © 2001 by Robert Nowall. It is not intended to profit the author in any way, and may not be distributed without permission of the author. (That means please don't post or circulate this without getting in touch with me first.) For the time being, Robert Nowall can be reached at: RobtNowall@aol.com

"The Ballad of Gilligan's Island" was composed by Sherwood Schwartz and George Wyler, copyright © 1964, 1966 United Artist Music Co., Inc. All rights assigned to SBK Catalogue Partnership. All rights administered by SBK U Catalogue. It use here is satiric in nature and as such is protected by the court decision rendered in_ Campbell v. Acuff Rose Music_.

Thanks to Aaron Solomon (ben Saul Joseph) Adelman, Wouter Jaegers, Ben Breeck, and everybody who wanted to beta read. Also thanks to everyone at the Paperpusher's Board who discussed Outrageous Crossovers, and without whose input I wouldn't have written this at all. It's not a direct interaction between the casts of the two shows, but it's got enough elements of both in it.

Written 12/29/00 to 1/24/01. Revised 5/28/01, thanks to some insightful comments on a major error, when I first posted this on FanFictionNet.

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